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Buckle down ladies, this is gonna be one hell of a ride... you're gonna zoom through the galaxy with super-duper pessimistically pissed-off teenybopper clairvoyant, Madam TB Sykik...

Scales (libra, 9/23-10/22): Uh oh, put a hand to your ear. Do you hear that? That's right. Your neighbor has that secretive high-priced German import EP by [insert name of favorite band here] that you've been looking for and wanting for the past who-knows-how-long. Your first-instinct plan: kick their ass and steal it. Here's a better plan: Avoid legal hassles and a sentence in the county prison by asking where they got it and how much they paid, or if you're a total cheapskate, ask them to make a tape of it for you.

Scorpion (scorpio, 10/23-11/21): Your face has been a trailer park for zits lately. You consider getting out the propane blow torch and doing a little reconstruction, turning your moonlike craterface into the burning sun, but you realize you don't own a propane blow torch. It's okay. Here's an idea: A nice soothing oatmeal mask will take some of the oil off. All those magazines say "don't pick" and "don't squeeze" but hey.. it's your face, so do whatever the hell you want to do to it. Keep in mind anything's better than setting fire to your epidermis. We here at Venus Honey are more concerned with basic health, safety, and sanity (usually) over beauty.

Bows-n-arrows (sagittarius, 11/22-12/21): So you're thinking of dieting again. Surprise, surprise. Well, let me tell ya. The celery diet doesn't work. The cabbage soup diet doesn't work (you get sick of it real fast). The grapefruit diet sucks too. So what are you doing? And who are you trying to look like anyway? Do you really think Kate Moss is all that sexy? Give it up, sister. If you wanna drop a pound or two, hit the pavement. Walk a block after dinner. But one of those fads won't get you to the "don't breathe near me or I'll blow away" sickgirl look of Katie.

Goat (capricorn, 12/22-1/19): Goats are feeling uneasy and anxious this time of year. You always need to do something. Channel your energy into something more positive than loafing around the mall. Consider volunteering over shopping. Maybe you can help replant some of those trees that were mowed over when your precious mall got put up.

Faucet (aquarius, 1/20-2/18): "Where's da party at?" is a faucetchick's question. Watery girls are on the move always, flowing here, flowing there. Throw a pool party, where you're bound to fit in. Caution: bikinis are fine, but make sure they fit. Wearing a too-tight suit to show off your so-called assets will cut off circulation and then you'll be purple and trust me, it's not a pretty sight.

Fishy-Fishy (pisces, 2/19-3/20): Did you realize how great you look in green mascara? No, really. Try new things this summer. Things that make you think "yeah right, as if, [put any clueless whatever-type term in here]." Things that make you cringe, things that you've always wanted to do but have put off, things you think you can't do, things that you think you are scared to do.

Ram (aries, 3/21-4/19): A true fight to the finish is all you're looking for this month. You got enemy problems. Why is it that all your friends seem to ditch you or hate you? Normally, you blow it off, but you want to get some physicality into it this time. Why? You're no kickboxer, but Molly-sitting-next-to-you-in-English is. Don't piss her off, she has a training advantage. In fact, lay off fighting in general. You should have learned last time you got a tooth knocked out.

Bully (taurus, 4/20-5/20): The earthy Bully will have a gorge-fest soon, as produce is bountiful and the earth-connected Bully likes fruits and veggies. Don't hog on the peaches, because one of them might be rotten and you'll end up with a freakshow-worthy intestinal contortion. Don't worry too much though.. the grapes are fat and juicy and just fine as long as they don't ferment while in the bottom of your fridge. Oh yeah, and don't wash down the produce with that cider that's still in there from Halloween either.

Twins (gemini, 5/21-6/20): The man is trying to get you down again. You're trying to break the glass ceiling that exists at the hot dog stand you work at, but your boss is a total asshole. In this case, pelting him with greasy relish-slathered red hots is surprisingly not the answer. Rather, discuss with him your labor disputes, but not while he's on the phone with his wife. Sit down and have a one-to-one conversation. Maybe he'll see your point of view. If not, then hit him with the dogs. Sure, you'll lose your job, but hot dog stands are a dime-a-dozen this summer.

Crabby (cancer, 6/21-7/22): Since you have a freakish affinity for sea-dwelling crustaceans, be careful when attending Red Lobster. Sure, you love to communicate with the happy (still alive) lobsters hanging the tank in the front lobby, but you really speak their language. You're cooing to them "gee I wish you could be free, like me" and they're saying "yeah! let's revolt!" So, of course, the lobsters will get out of their tank, thanks to you. If you get snapped, they really didn't want to, they were applauding your encouragement and you didn't move away fast enough. The lobster-eating customers will get really pissed at you. The establishment owners will boot you. But the lobsters will love you forever.

Lioness (leo, 7/23-8/22): There's that person you've had a crush on forever...you know... you see him/her on the street..driving in a sporty car... you watch him/her go into the bank everyday (he/she must be rich!). Unfortunately, you need glasses, because for all this time you've been staring, you haven't caught on that he/she works at the bank and happens to be 53 years old.

Virgin (virgo, 8/23-9/22): Oh, pure innocent sweet virgo... you're not even a virgin anymore so why do you get to keep this sign? Anyhow.. your sex life is booming. When you want it, you get it from your sig-other. Your sig-other might be a virgo too at this rate.. you two are quite the randy duo.

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