This is the so-much-better-than-the-best dating guide.. POR HOMBRE.. yes, for guys. I kind of feel bad, leaving the gentlemen in the dark and all with this chick-oriented e-zine. So, I've whipped up something they are sure to want to see: a hot, new dating guide that tells them exactly what they want to hear.. how to score.. but there's a penalty... oh yes, there is a mighty price to pay. Ladies, feel free to take a tasty trip through this bitter playing-to-the-ego parody, while inviting the male people around to indulge also... just clue them into the fact that it IS a parody.
You're sweating major buckets...you wanna impress your lady, but this is the first date, so what should you do??!! It seems you barely know her, but you think you really like her, and you wanna score bigtime at the end of the night! Well, let me tell you, mister guy, there are some general stereotypes that go along with all women. No matter what kind of girl you think she is, read this guide and you are sure to have a wonderful date. In fact, following this guide will ensure you get your woman in the sack by the end of the night! It's a promise!
I. Pre-Date Warm-Up. The date's at seven, it's noon. Now's the time to take action to look your absolute best.
The goal of this pre-date preparation: to look like Leonardo DiCaprio. Now, I know what you're thinking. On all your other dates, you just went as a scummy grungeboy or something, but this date must be different, because you want to score, and be lucky with the ladies! You need to change your ways!
1. Go to the drugstore. Women love tan guys, so buy instant tanner, and bronzer. And also, buy a little cover-up or foundation to hide your hideous acne, because she knows about that monster zit on your nose. Leo is zit-free (of course), so keep that in mind. 2. Get a haircut, and if your hair isn't sandy blond, make sure to scope the hairdye aisle and pick yourself up a hairdye kit. Remember that Leo has relatively short hair, straight, streaky-sandy blond. He's so cute. Keep in mind that you want to be just like him. 3. After having your hair cut to Leo-length, go home and dye it if needed, and put on your fake tan. Leave it on longer than the directions say for a really deep tan. Girls like guys who are deep. 4. By now you should resemble a nice glowing navel orange (with pits and all on your face). Make sure to use that cover-up, a lot so it really gets in those crevices, scars, and zit pits. Blend a bit, then slap on a lot of bronzing gel over the top of it. Since you plan on scoring, you might wanna use it all over (and we mean ALL OVER). You can never be too tan. If you have access to a salon with tanning beds, or if it is sunny and warm, go sit and bake for a few hours if you can (with a lot of baby oil). 5. Leo has long eyelashes, so sneak through your mom's purse and put a little mascara (navy preferably) on. Your date will never know.. and neither will your friends.. you're not a drag queen.. you just need to get laid. 6. You should look downright gorgeous by now. But Leo wears a lot of Gap-type clothing, with pants that fit. So hike your JNCO's (or whatever type of pants you wear that are baggy) up onto your waist and belt them tightly there. Wear a tight knit shirt tucked in tightly.. maybe look through your ten-year-old brother's striped tee-shirts and polo knits... this will show off your well-sculpted pecs and abs. If you are not well-sculpted, then you cannot possibly look like Leo and therefore should never, ever even consider dating a girl. 7. Leo wears nice shoes, so no sneakers. Borrow your dad's tassel loafers if you have the chance. And cologne: expensive (calvin klein, ralph lauren.. no aquavelva or old spice) only.. and lots of it. Leo always smells nice, and that includes breath. So brush your teeth for 20 minutes before you go. 8. You ought to be set appearance wise, but as far as being emotionally ready, you are nowhere near prepared. First off, Leo is very romantic (he was romeo, after all), so write a few poems for her, about how much you like her chest and legs, and her butt when she bends over. Write one about how much you would love to get her in bed by the end of the night, but make sure instead of "the" you use "thee", and instead of "you" use "thou", etc. Watch Romeo and Juliet and take notes if you have to.. just make sure you emphasize how much fun you think sex would be with her. 9. Get roses. A dozen red, because that way, you will trick her into thinking you are three things: rich, sensitive, and loving (like Leo). Of course you aren't any of those things, but who has to know? Steal the money from your parents if you can't afford roses and a nice date. Or if you are really broke, and so are your parents, you can never be like Leo, and therefore you should never go on a date. 10. Now it is around seven, or perhaps earlier or later, depending on how tan you are now, but it is always good to be fashionably late, so show up around 8:30 or 9. Borrow a nice car, like the one that Leo would drive. If you can't get a ferrari convertable, borrow or steal your parent's best car, or your neighbor's or grandma's. Come on.. if you want to get laid.. you gotta pull out all the stops. Move on to the arrival.
II. The arrival.
1. It's 8:30, and maybe she thought you wouldn't show, so she has showered and is sitting in her pajamas watching My Best Friend's Wedding with a big bowl of M&Ms. This is perfect, because she should let you in (seeing that you have roses, poetry, a nice car, and that you look like Leo), and you can go straight to the big coax. 2. If she is still waiting around, looking nice and pretty, but pissed off, you're still golden. Just explain to her that the words would not come to you in your poetry. Once she reads your wonderful poems, she ought to be entranced by your ability to master the English language. So you two should frolick off into the night and go to the restaurant. If you have to meet parents, make sure you act really cool.. talk about how much you want to lay their daughter, because you're sure she'd be a great lay. They should be impressed with how suave and smooth you are. Hell, you're rich, handsome, smart, and romantic. What woman wouldn't want you! No woman can hold out on Leo DiCaprio after all... and your Leo impersonation is a fine one. 3. If you got through all this, and you're living and intact and your girl still wants to go along with you, then move on to The Restaurant.
III. The Restaurant. A nice expensive one that serves more lobster and steak dishes than you can count on your fingers and toes, is a good place to take a date. She will automatically owe you something by the end of the night, considering you fed her and all. So as soon as she takes her first bite of steak, lobster, or something else expensive, just know that you have something to hold against her at the end of the night in case she says "no" (but she won't of course, because she really, really wants you).
1. Order for her, no matter what she says. Anything you get, she gets too. Do not let her have a choice or she might get just some cheap salad, and then she would owe you little more than a make-out session. Make sure you get her a chocolatey dessert too, because all women adore chocolate, as you know, regardless of allergies or lactose intolerance or vegan lifestyle. 2. Bother her if she stops eating, like she's full. Make sure her plate is clean by the end of the night. Play footsies with her too, while she is eating. If you can, remove a tassle loafer and put one of your feet on her knees. She will know what you want at the end of the night, and will undoubtedly be enthused. Leo would do the same thing. 3. Did you bring your fake ID? You should have, because you need to order the most expensive bottle of wine that you can. There are two schools of thought on the alcohol issue: either buy a really expensive bottle of wine and impress her to get her into the sack, or buy a lot of cheap, strong crap (which requires some coaxing to get her to drink it) and hope she gets so drunk by the end of the night that no matter what happens, she'll get in bed with you. The latter works with girls with a history of alcoholism often. But try it anyway. Keep in mind that if she ever says "no", it doesn't really mean "no", she just wants to play cute, like she would for Leo. Make sure you don't drink too much, because you have to keep a clear head for bed purposes later on. Pay the bill, leave a little tip, help her with her coat, and check her drunk status. If she refused the wine and/or liquor and is sober, you must move on to the next activity, but if she is falling-down drunk, you can move to the big coax.
IV. The Next Activity. Often this is either a movie or shopping or walking in the park or something. Perhaps dancing is in order. Are you in the mood to show your stuff?
1. Option: Movie: no romantic chick flicks. You don't want her to get all sobby and whine to you that you aren't romantic enough. No Leo-flicks either because she'll compare you to him, which would be okay if you looked exactly like him, but since you are only doing an impression, stick with non-Leo flicks. Perhaps see a Jackie Chan film, or maybe even a nice Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Compared to Arnold, you ARE leo romantically speaking. Remember to give her mini-coax sessions throughout the night, like putting your hand on her knee, kissing her neck even though she squirms. You have to let her know how much you want to get with her. Stick your tongue as far down her throat as you can before she bites you. Now is the time to let her know that you are expecting something tonight. If she gets up to leave, recover by saying you are just joking. That's what Leo would do, but no girl would turn down Leo anyway. 2. Option: Shopping. If she gets you to do this, she's in control, and that's bad, so pick a different activity promptly. 3. Option: Walking in the Park: Romantic, cute, Leo-esque for sure. Have a deep discussion about life (don't worry, just bs it by using words like "heart", "soul", "deep", "pain", "love" and "life". If you use those words over and over again, it sounds like you actually know something). You might want to equate how the Lakers' new rookie is a lot like the time your puppy died, or something sporty and yet monumental/sentimental. 4. Option: Dancing. This one is seductive, racy, but you gotta be cool. Leo would probably stand against a wall smoking a cigarette for most of the night, occasionally sipping champagne. Do this also. But for one or two songs (within a four hour period), walk slowly out to the dance floor and show your woman your moves. Be spaztic and original, move your feet and hands all over at once. She'll think you are creative and special. She'll want you really bad. If she starts dancing with other guys or even talks to a member of the opposite sex, make sure you leave the wall you lean against and start something. Wedge in between them, swear, stick out your chest, put your arm around your woman and walk off proudly. Then resume your wall position, and wait around until she gets bored and pissed and then dances again. As soon as she does, start up something again. Keep the cycle going so she knows how protective you are of her and how much you care about her.. or, how much you care about getting her into bed. Whichever you chose, it's the end of the night, and she's ready to go. Get in your car, take her either to the top of a deserted lookout, or to a motel parking lot. Move onto the Big Coax.
V. The Big Coax: You know the objective here: TO MAJORLY SCORE!!!!!!!!
1. There are some questions to be answered: is she PMSing, or does she really have her period?? You know it's always one or the other. No woman is ever just normal, right? Also, check her stance on protection. If she doesn't require it, who needs it?? Just pull out early if you wanna prevent any chance at pregnancy or something. That's what Leo would do. 2. Now, make sure you move slow. Remind her how nice you were that evening and all the things you did for her. If she just says "yeah, okay, let's go do it" or something, then move on to Post-Date Tips. 3. If she keeps holding out, talk her into it. Emphasize all the girls you had before, how large your penis is, how good you are at sex, etc, etc, etc until she either hits you and starts walking home (which you should let her do, that dumb bitch) or gives into your demands. If you are leo-esque enough, and tell her how much you enjoy foreplay (and how great you are at sex, etc) you really shouldn't have any problems. COAXING is key here though. There's a very good chance she will need a lot of smooth talking to get her into it, but just like when you were ten and convinced Billy-down-the-street to buy your crappy BMX bike for twenty bucks instead of the five it was worth, you have to persuade her into having some good old fashioned sex. Good Luck! If it works, move onto Post-Date Tips. If it doesn't, never mind, because the date never even happened. Lie to your friends and start rumors at school about how sick you were and you didn't even want to be there and how ugly she looked. Or just tell your friends you screwed her anyway. But the actual sex part is bonus. It strokes the ego even more.
VI. Post-Date Tips:
1. Never call her, or acknowledge her when you see her. Try to forget her name. 2. Set up a date as soon as possible with another girl. She can't think for a second that you two are committed to one another as a real couple. 3. Only if you get really desperate and really need to get laid, call her up for another date. Otherwise, forget her entirely. She's in the past, you're in the future, man!
--Post-article-disclaimer: this is a female-oriented e-zine, and if you are a guy reading this, you should have figured it is a satire (a brilliant one at that) on the way you treat the girls you date and occasionally fuck. There are a lot of stupid teengirlmagazines written for us chicks that make it sound like dating is the best thing ever, and that we have to go through all this prepshit just to get ready for it, while you get to sit around like the studmuff you think you are. Well, maybe it's time you get your fair share of pre-date preparation and nervous anxiety. If you're a girl reading this (as I expect most of the readers will be female) I hope you've enjoyed this little bit of info.